So, you’ve discovered that your
partner lies…a lot…and it hurts. You know that there’s something wrong but you
can’t put your finger on it. You wonder if it’s you. You try to ignore it, get
busy so you don’t have to deal with it, yet you just can’t go on any more and
you demand the truth. That’s when you
realize that liars are a lot like magicians. It’s all smoke and mirrors to
prevent you from seeing who they really are and what is actually happening.
Liars have you so consumed about focusing on what’s not real that you miss the
reality. For them it’s all about controlling the narrative. It’s about power.
And if you’re married to one it’s often about control. It’s keeping you unsure
about the truth, about yourself, and mostly about them.
Everyone spins the truth now and
then, but it’s when the lying becomes the default to communicating that it
becomes a pathology. Most people are uncomfortable with telling a lie. A
pathological liar is someone who is uncomfortable when telling the truth.
So how do you deal with a pathological
liar? You don’t. A liar who is found out will continue to lie. They will lie
about their lies to hold the power. As long as they are lying and you are
trying to prove their lies you keep them in power. The moment they are found
out they lose the power and become insignificant and that to a pathological
liar is worse than death. It’s the power of the lie that keeps them
significant. There will always be another lie.
You may think that if you show them
that they are always lying and that there is no need to lie that they will
stop. They will not. They know they lie, you don’t have to prove anything to
them. And they know they lie all the time. They lie so you are always looking
at the lie and not at them because they don’t like themselves. Who they are is
insignificant to even themselves and they need you in their lives to make them
feel important. So they lie to keep you, not to lose you. It is solely for
their own need to feel “significant.”
Unfortunately, they don’t realize
that relationships are built on trust. Pathological liars will never experience
a true relationship because they will always be found out and their
relationships will end for the simple reason that no one wants to be involved
with someone who will never show you who they really are. The older they get,
the more they feel the need to lie and the worse they get at it. Their lies
begin to even confuse them. They begin to get angry at those who start to catch
on and as their families begin to identify their “Tell” (a behavior that
indicates a lie is being told), their world begins to crumble. Their spouse is
now on to them, their children begin to connect the dots of a lifetime of lies,
and soon friends and extended family members catch on as well. Their world begins to become very small and
eventually their worst nightmare comes true…they become insignificant.
So what do you do if you find out
that the person you’re living with is a magician and not working at the Magic
Castle???
Well, you can stay and play hide
and seek with them for the rest of your life never really knowing what is going
on. You can go to therapy with them and try to gain an understanding of the
insecurities that bring all the lying about. Or you can leave and hope that
your next relationship is with someone who loves themselves enough that they
can be honest and open about their feelings.
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