Sunday, September 21, 2014

Liars Are A Lot Like Magicians

So, you’ve discovered that your partner lies…a lot…and it hurts. You know that there’s something wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. You wonder if it’s you. You try to ignore it, get busy so you don’t have to deal with it, yet you just can’t go on any more and you demand the truth.  That’s when you realize that liars are a lot like magicians. It’s all smoke and mirrors to prevent you from seeing who they really are and what is actually happening. Liars have you so consumed about focusing on what’s not real that you miss the reality. For them it’s all about controlling the narrative. It’s about power. And if you’re married to one it’s often about control. It’s keeping you unsure about the truth, about yourself, and mostly about them.

Everyone spins the truth now and then, but it’s when the lying becomes the default to communicating that it becomes a pathology. Most people are uncomfortable with telling a lie. A pathological liar is someone who is uncomfortable when telling the truth.

So how do you deal with a pathological liar? You don’t. A liar who is found out will continue to lie. They will lie about their lies to hold the power. As long as they are lying and you are trying to prove their lies you keep them in power. The moment they are found out they lose the power and become insignificant and that to a pathological liar is worse than death. It’s the power of the lie that keeps them significant. There will always be another lie.

You may think that if you show them that they are always lying and that there is no need to lie that they will stop. They will not. They know they lie, you don’t have to prove anything to them. And they know they lie all the time. They lie so you are always looking at the lie and not at them because they don’t like themselves. Who they are is insignificant to even themselves and they need you in their lives to make them feel important. So they lie to keep you, not to lose you. It is solely for their own need to feel “significant.”

Unfortunately, they don’t realize that relationships are built on trust. Pathological liars will never experience a true relationship because they will always be found out and their relationships will end for the simple reason that no one wants to be involved with someone who will never show you who they really are. The older they get, the more they feel the need to lie and the worse they get at it. Their lies begin to even confuse them. They begin to get angry at those who start to catch on and as their families begin to identify their “Tell” (a behavior that indicates a lie is being told), their world begins to crumble. Their spouse is now on to them, their children begin to connect the dots of a lifetime of lies, and soon friends and extended family members catch on as well.  Their world begins to become very small and eventually their worst nightmare comes true…they become insignificant.

So what do you do if you find out that the person you’re living with is a magician and not working at the Magic Castle???

Well, you can stay and play hide and seek with them for the rest of your life never really knowing what is going on. You can go to therapy with them and try to gain an understanding of the insecurities that bring all the lying about. Or you can leave and hope that your next relationship is with someone who loves themselves enough that they can be honest and open about their feelings.

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